A Marathon of Errands

I ran a marathon worth of errands today!

We got up early and went to Home Depot to buy a new fridge and we met a guy named "Biggest Brian Gordito." 

We got an awesome deal on a refrigerator that was returned just because it was too big for the kitchen of the couple that bought it. We took it home and set it up ourselves. Mitchell left for work right after that, so I took Otis for a  c-a-r  r-i-d-e  and headed back to the old house to get the last bit of our things, all of which were in the fridge or freezer. Saturday, we get our deposit back from the old landlords, and I can't wait for that "extra money!"
Oh! And today I found a dress to wear to the wedding in North Carolina in 2 weeks. It's a really cute, fitted little black dress. I think it looks really classy. I still have no idea if this is an indoor or outdoor wedding, but I think I'll be fine in either. Now all I need to do is find shoes to go with it and pick out some jewelry. Joy.

Cults, Cookies, Fake Tans, & Speedos

Much of today was spent curled up on the couch with Otis, watching a documentary about cults and eating cookies. I know how bad it is for me, but I bought a month's worth of tanning at this little video store down the road from our new house yesterday. Is it weird that I spent 5 minutes looking for a camera before disrobing? I fell asleep in the damned thing for about 12 of my 18 minutes. Best nap I've had in a while.

We're going to the beach in North Carolina in 2 weeks for a wedding, and I don't want to show off my pasty Winter hue. Being Greek and Polish, it probably won't take but a few trips to the roaster to get my

(fake ass)

 sun-kissed glow back.

What I should be doing though is hitting up the 24 Hour Gym a little. I need to lose some weight, especially after re-reading what I wrote about going to the beach in 2 weeks! Am I crazy?!

I don't want to be this guy!

Neon zebra print? Really?!

"Ms. Spivey"- 1 / DirecTV- 0

Warning! Before you sign up with DirecTV, unless you're a bitch or can sound like one on the phone, please stop and look for an alternative way to get your television fix. Even if you have to go sit in Circuit City at primetime to watch your favorite shows, do that instead of signing an agreement with DirecTV.
I fought them today. And I won. Here's a breakdown of the 1hr., 3min., 25sec. conversation:

(After giving her my name and account information.)
"Thank you for calling DirecTV. How may I assist you?"
"We're in the process of moving into a bigger home and I would like to order 2 more receivers. Is there a fee for ordering them?"
"They start at $69.99 for the standard receiver and go up to $199.99 for the blablabla." (I stopped listening.)
"Well, that's all I needed to know. I think I'll just switch companies. How much would it cost to just go ahead and terminate my service plan?"
"Actually, you qualify for our best deal, Ms. Spivey.We can sell you the first receiver for $49.99 and the second for our advertised price of $69.99 and installation is only $49.99."
"And how much did you say it will cost to terminate my service plan?"
"Well, it's $20 per month remaining on your contract, which is 13 months. It would be $260. It has to be paid all at once if you terminate. You're also responsible for returning the equipment you have now if you terminate. May I ask which company you're thinking about switching to?"
"Comcast has extended us an irresistible offer of up to 5 receivers at no cost to us, plus free Showtime, HBO, and Cinemax for 3 months since we're new to the area. Installation is free, too. We're in the process of moving in right now."
"DirecTV was recently rated #1 for picture quality and Comcast was rated last. They're also being sued by blablabla for blablabla... You've been a loyal customer for the past year and we appreciate your business. We don't want to see you go here at DirecTV."
"For me, if your company is going to charge me for the extra equipment, charge me to have it installed, charge me per month to rent the extra receivers, and charge me to terminate my contract if I find a better deal... I'm sorry, but right now, Comcast still seems like the better deal. They're not going to charge to set it up, nor are they going to charge me an arm and a leg just to rent the equipment. The only reason I tried to see what kind of deals you had is because we've been so-called "loyal customers" for the past year and our new house is already wired for DirecTV. I guess I should just go ahead and terminate my service contract. Can you do that over the phone? Or do I need to speak to a supervisor?"
"Please hold, ma'am."
*Holding*
"Ms. Spivey, I can get you the first receiver at no cost to you and the second one at the reduced price of $49.99. Unfortunately, the installation fee is still $49.99."
"Unfortunately, Comcast still sounds better. As a "loyal customer," you're telling me that's the best deal you can offer me?"
"Ma'am, I cannot waive the installation fee. I'm already giving you a free receiver and the second at a discounted price that you qualify for."
"This is ridiculous. I don't know why we're still talking about deals. How much did you say it was to just go ahead and terminate my contract? I have things I need to do today."
"Hold on one second. My computer's being slow. Bear with me, Ms. Spivey."
"Look, I know you're doing your job. Can you transfer me to a supervisor? This has been quite an unpleasant experience for me. We're in the middle of moving into our new home, and this is stressing me out. I'm just trying to cancel my plan and you're jerking me around with crappy deals compared to Comcast's offer. And is it even any of your business about which company I'm thinking about switching to anyway!?"
"Ms. Spivey, I am sorry. Please hold for one more moment and I will see if we can get a better deal for you."
*Holding*
"Thank you for holding, ma'am. I spoke with my supervisor and we can give you 2 receivers at no cost to you. We're waiving the installation fee of $49.99 also. You will be charged $6 per receiver per month on your bill and it will, however, extend your contract another 2 years."
"I'm not extending my contract with you guys. I'd like to speak to your supervisor, please."
"Ma'am, this is our best offer. We're already waiving the cost for both the receivers as well as the installation fee, Ms. Spivey."
"Oh, I understand all that. I know you're just doing your job, but your deal doesn't even compete with Comcast, especially if it's going to extend my contract another 2 years. It'd just be cheaper to go ahead and cancel my contract. So, who do I need to speak to, or are you going to yank me around until I change my mind?"
"Ma'am, you're a valued customer, and-"
"And as a 'valued customer,' I'd like to be treated like one."
"Certainly, and we here at DirecTV want you to have the best picture quality and service only we can offer. If you'll just hold again for a moment, I'm going to speak to my supervisor to see how we can further assist you in this matter."
"Alright. Thank you."
"Hello, Ms. Spivey. This is Jeff. I'm the supervisor you asked to speak with. What seems to be the issue today?"
"Hello, Jeff. I've been asking to speak to you for over half an hour. We're in the process of moving into a new home and Comcast has offered us a great deal on receivers for the whole house at no charge, installed for free. We've been loyal customers for the past year or so and still have 13 months on our contract."
"We certainly appreciate your business with us for the past year, Ms. Spivey."
"Your customer service rep keeps offering me somewhat-appealing deals, but I'm not about to extend our contract another 2 years. That will be 3 years total left, and I have no desire to stay with your company any longer than I have to. Why wasn't my contract going to have to be extended before if I agreed to pay for the receivers?"
"Well, ma'am-"
"You know what? I don't care. I think we're just going to cancel our plan and pay the termination fee. What was it? Like $260?"
"Ms. Spivey, DirecTV offers the best in picture quality available in the United States. We were rated #1 in-"
"I'm not interested in your ratings, Jeff. I already heard all of that! Right now, I'd rate your company extremely poorly in customer service. I know you're just doing your job, but here's my point of view: Comcast is offering us a better deal with no hidden fees and no bullshit. We're literally in the process of moving into a new home that's already wired for DirecTV. Money-wise, it's cheaper to just cut ties with you and go with them. What would you do, Jeff? I know what I'm going to do... I maintain a blog online and will definitely be writing about this experience. It's ridiculous! We've been on the phone for almost an hour already."
"We want to keep you as a loyal customer and aim to please. I'm going to waive the 2 year extension on your contract. That's the best we can do. The 2 standard $69.99 receivers will be at no cost to you, and the installation fee of $49.99 is waived. The only thing I cannot waive, however, is the charge of an additional $6 per receiver, per month for equipment rental." 
"That sounds like a better deal, and I'll take it if I can have them installed tomorrow morning."
"Please hold so I can look at the schedule of available appointments." 
"That's fine."
*Holding*
"We have one for between 8-12 and one for 12-4. Which is good for you?"
"8-12 works just fine."
"Thank you for your business." 

Today is the Day

Boxer Stew

In an effort to re-home my father's boxer, this is one of the emails I've received:
_________________________________________________________
5 y/o fixed Male Boxer (Old Hickory)

Monday, March 28, 2011 1:26 AM

From: "Kathy Mc******" k********@att.net

To: comm-2gpgb-**********@craigslist.org

** CRAIGSLIST ADVISORY --- AVOID SCAMS BY DEALING LOCALLY
** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
** More Info: http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams.html

I am looking for a meal. How is he with small children and other dogs? I can pick up immediatly.

Thank u.

Kathy Mc******

_________________________________________________________

Kathy,

If you're making stew, he's great with other dogs. I only recommend him with small children if they are cooked properly, as the tastes usually do not combine well if under- or over-cooked. Also, please learn to type correctly. There is a huge difference between a "meal" and a "male."

Heather

Sunday's Mistake

I made the mistake of combining these next two words on Craigslist this morning:

Free

&

Ikea

Last week, I purchased some orange & red decor off Craigslist, and this "gently used" rug was included.

("Gently used," my ass!)

Who knew so many people were interested in or in need of a 5'7"x6'7" hand-woven wool rug?

Yeah, I mentioned the weird stains and the slightly-beyond repair torn fringe on one of the corners.

I also described the ugly yellow-gold color and cat urine smell to match.

I sincerely believe that the words "free" and "Ikea" negate anything I just typed.

My inbox was instantly filled with requests to pick it up.

A woman even offered $10 for me to hold it for her until she could get off work!

Here's a (somewhat) accurate drawing of said rug:

(You're lucky they haven't come out with smell-o-vision for computer screens yet.)

Hot Dogs, aka "Real Food"

I find it sickeningly ironic when hungry customers approach my popcorn trailer asking if all I sell is popcorn and they shake their heads in disappointment when I confirm their suspicions.

(Uh, we're called Popcornopoly for a reason.)

"So... No hot dogs then?"

"Nope, just popcorn!"

"What else besides popcorn?"

"Hot cocoa, cider, and sodas."

When I ask if they'd like to try a free sample and they reply with,

"No, I'm looking for some real food. Where can I get a hot dog?"

it drives me nuts. I want to ask what their definition of "real food" is.

Here's the ingredient list for your average hot dog:

Meat by-products and fat (pork, beef, poultry)

Sodium erythorbate and sodium nitrite

Cereal or soy fillers

Salt and garlic

The caloric ratio of an Oscar Mayer wiener is 2% carbs, 14% protein, and 84% fat.

My point is that hot dogs often have high sodium, fat and nitrite content, ingredients linked to health problems. The Cancer Project group filed a class-action lawsuit demanding warning labels on packages and at sporting events because the high amounts of sodium and nitrate are believed to cause colorectal cancer. How "real" can something be if it has to be regulated more aggressively than the public transit system in Downtown Nashville? Hot dogs have been the center of debate for years, often referred to as the product made from the "lips and assholes" of the meat industry.

So why not top yours with mustard? You'll need it.

Σπανακόπιτα, My Love

Simply put, there is nothing better

than a big, warm bite of Spanakopita

being carried by a fork

en route to my mouth.

There's something nostalgic about the combination of the earthiness of wilted spinach and salty feta,

almost oozing out of the flaky,

buttery phyllo dough crust.

It reminds me of Summers spent at my Thea Panajota's house,

sneaking an extra piece

before leaving the dinner table, 

never feeling less than stuffed or satisfied.  

Nashville's Metro Officers

I got pulled over the other day, and the motorcycle officer laughed when he got to my window. He said, "Well, hot damn! I got the motherload!" and proceeded to chat me up. He complimented my "Got Camping?" sticker on my window & told me my tags were over 2 months expired. Oh yeah, and I was totally speeding, too. I guess it pays to be talkative with them when they stop by the popcorn trailer every night.

I love my job.

               

In Country Music,

you just don't say

 

(I love Hank Williams Jr.)

You should've stayed out of the dog food...

I'm sorry you had to go this way.

Obviously, I need to work on my humane-treatment of varmints.

I know this experience sucked for you.

You live and you learn,

and sometimes you die.

And Tomorrow's Forecast is as Follows:

                    

                      6pm                7pm              8pm              9pm               10pm          11pm           12am

Rain.

My ENTIRE shift.

*sigh*



Shredded Paper Bird Nest Project

What you will need:

4 sheets of colored heavy-weight paper, 12" square
3 sheets of colored heavy-weight paper, 12" square
2 sheets of colored heavy-weight paper, 12" square

(Instead of using different colored card stock, this is the perfect opportunity to make something out of shredded office paper, newspaper, take-out menues, etc. The bowls will end up looking more rustic with the different colors of paper and typographic elements on them.)
Paper shredder or scissors
White glue
Water
3 different size bowls (nesting)

Paintbrush
Cling wrap, enough to cover the outer area of the 3 bowls

Instructions:

1. Shred the paper using an office crosscut paper shredder. If using a regular paper shredder, cut the strips into lengths of about 11/2". If no paper shredder is available, use scissors to cut strips of paper that are 1/8" x 1/2".

2. Prepare a solution of glue and water that is 2 parts of glue per 1 part water. Don’t add too much water, or the paper will not hold together. Each bowl will require at least 1/2 cup of the drippy glue solution.

3. Wrap the large bowl with cling wrap, and place it upside down on a surface covered with plastic wrap.

4. Place the shredded paper into another bowl, and sprinkle with some water (no more than 1 tablespoon to dampen the card stock.

5. Start by brushing the bottom of the cling-wrapped bowl with some of the glue solution. Add a small clump of paper (about 4–6 strips) in random fashion, and brush or dab more glue solution over them until they are damp enough that they lay flat and adhere to the bowl.

6. Continue adding clumps of paper strips, brushing the area they will cover with the glue solution and then brushing the glue solution over them. Cover the bowl until you’re about 2" from the top edge of the bowl or the work surface. The bowl should be covered by at least 3 levels of paper to ensure stability. The edge of the bowl needs to be generally even, but keep it ragged by making some of the strips on the final row point downward, perpendicular to the work surface.

Tip: It’s important that the consistency of the 2 parts glue to 1 part water should resemble liquid soap. As you apply the glue solution, keep in mind that the more layers of paper are added the stronger the bowls will be. Allow drying time between layers. Note: Don’t worry about covering the surface completely. Part of the charm of the bowls is to leave some small spaces, no larger than 1/8", between some of the strips.

7. Place the bowl in a dry and well-ventilated area, and let the surface dry completely. This process may take a day or two. If you’d like to speed it, place the bowl close to a fan. Once the surface appears dry to the touch, carefully remove the bowl from the cling wrap and let it air dry face up until the inside of the bowl is completely dry as well.

8. Repeat the same process (steps 1-7) for the medium bowl using one one colored paper and the smallest bowl using the last colored paper.

 

Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

I loved you in this film, Elizabeth.

I will be watching it this evening in honor of your life.

You will be missed by many.  



Porn, From a Child's Eyes

I want to high-5 the kid who wrote this.

White T-Shirts Make Me Feel GOOD!

I love the way I feel wearing a fresh, crisp, new white t-shirt.

It symbolizes the coming of warmer weather for me,

which

is

always

nice.

Guess Who Had Pita Pit for Lunch?

And my gyro wrap on whole wheat was the bomb-diggity. Got it with romaine lettuce, tomato, black olive, cucumber, feta, & tzatziki sauce. Delish.

I
  have
         a
            new
                   favorite
                              sandwich
                                             shop.                
                                    

Oh, Nuts!

A man just bought a bag of caramel pecan popcorn from me.
He asked when we would have the caramel cashew popcorn back...
I told him we like to switch up the nuts every once in a while.
Then he said, "Well, cashews are the best kind of peanuts."
I replied with, "No, way! Almonds are the best!" And he said, "Almond peanuts are too crunchy for me. The cashew peanuts are softer, and there's no papery skin on them."
On another note, do you know where cashews come from?
They come from the bottoms of cashew apples, of course! I had no idea...

Currently Playing on My Pandora

              

The

Vitamin String Quartet

Heard of 'em?

Strongly recommended.

Fun, but peaceful.

Twins? Me'thinks So!

My best lady friend resembles a less-skanky Miley Cyrus.

                                                             What choice do you have but to agree with me?

                                                                                                           This IS my blog, in case you forgot...

I'm Craving Fried Things

Bloomin' onion.

Yes, please!

My Online Shelving Find

WOAH.

This is a shelving unit- made out of cardboard!

It's crazy! I found it while looking up cute decorating ideas for our new house, as we have several new white shelves with which I'm not entirely sure of what to do.

I was thinking about putting little trinkets on them: small books, little antiques, childhood accomplishments, photos, etc... While searching around on the Internet, this popped up. I don't know where I'd even put it.

I think it's awesome that someone thought this up and made it.

$20 says it's not flame-resistant though.

I'm borderline obsessed with food-shaped jewelry...

I had to get that off my chest.

    These are so adorable.
                               And I may buy them.
Unless you want to buy them for me.
                                    And in that case,
     I would be forever grateful.
                              I mean,
Do you see them?
                           <--------------- Eggs.
      Miniature fried eggs!
                               On earrings, guys!
 My ears are craving mini fried eggs.
                                               Right now.

What Happened to Fish Sticks?

I've not seen them since I was 9 years old...

  I'm going to change this soon.

                                                                                     Homemade tartar sauce sounds good, too.

Green for Miles and Miles

This picture was taken with Mitchell's camera phone on September 7th, 2010. We were driving to Mammoth Cave in Kentucky, where we had reserved a rustic one room cabin for the night. It was so beautiful outside. This is what we saw for miles and miles.

 I love the end of Summer.

You've Been JUICED!

Fresh ingredients, in this order:

1 dragon fruit, whole

1/2 pineapple, chunked

1/2 cup blackberries

1 orange, peeled

1 apple, whole

This is what best friends are for...

     I love you, girl-
                                   Blue mouth and all.

                            

I Sell Popcorn!

                                                                        This is my brain.   
                                            

And this is my brain on Saturdays,

which I spend 17 hours at work.

Grizzly Wit & Toe Funk

I just caught Mitchell doing this little dance move on our doorway to the kitchen. I said, "Baby, you're so primal." He responded with, "And you're educated far beyond your intelligence."
2 minutes later, he says, "You should smell this," inching his hand closer to my face. When I asked what it was, he told me that it came from underneath his toenail.
Is it any wonder why I love him? I mean, it should be pretty self-explanatory.

My Childhood Summer Game

When I was little, I would play a silly game with my younger brother & sister and the neighbor kids, I being the oldest. (and most clever!) We would collect Japanese beetles in sandwich bags, bottles, pockets- anything we had really.

The rules were simple... I made them up as we went along. We got 1 point for every Japanese beetle you could catch in the amount of time it took for me to catch more than them. I always had the most points, mainly because I could reach higher on the branches of the cherry willow tree outside our parents' bedroom window. The beetles loved that tree. My father uprooted it after their divorce.

After we had all the beetles and I shouted, "Time's up!" we would meet at the corner of the pavement, where we could all sit on either side of the corner in the grass, so as not to our legs get burned by the asphalt. Sometimes I sat on a blue or red workshop rag I found in the garage. (Because I was the "Champion Japanese Beetle Picker.")

We would go around in a circle and take turns lying our beetles out on their backs one at a time and skillfully squish the guts out of them with the slightest pressure from our pointer fingers. You would get points for whatever color the guts were (brighter being more points, obviously- think yellow), or if the guts squiggled when they came out.

We loved that game. Our parents never had to have the tacky plastic beetle catcher bags hanging from their trees. They had us.

I miss being little and carefree.

Goodbye, 306 30th Street

Little House,
   We had some really good times with you. Sadly, we need more space. It's not you- it's us. We hate to cut things off with you, but you will always have a place in our hearts. You were our first home together. We will miss you, but only slightly.

Dear Flounder,

I can't wait to gig you

                                                                                          next month.